


mood

by scorpio (gradually)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 19x02: Mood, Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, i have a lot of headcanons that nobody can take away from me, subtle trans carisi mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 06:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12270579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gradually/pseuds/scorpio
Summary: (listen: im bad at titles)carisi doesnt want to think about it. rafael tries to let him know its gonna be okay. spoilers for 19x02(emetophobia warning)





	mood

**Author's Note:**

> HH... HERE GOES NOTHIGN... im trying to get better at not being so shy about my writing so i just timed myself for 30m and decided to post whatever i had written. No beta, sorry! blease dont @ me

Dominick doesn’t want to think about it. He wants to cut off his hand, to get every trace of that shitty faux leather glove off his hands, until he forgets that wide-eyed look that rapist had as he tried to mention what to tell his mother. Instead, Dominick goes home to his (and Rafael’s apartment), and runs a scalding hot bath. He sits there, and he tries to feel and forget. He’s scrubbing at his body now, drawing blood, and his nails are _still dirty._ He doesn’t know, doesn’t care how long he’s been in the bath, he can still _see_ it in his mind’s eye. It was raining out. His suit got soaked. He stood there and stared into Benson’s eyes and all she could say was _im sorry_ because she had seen it with Dodds too, but this wasn’t good ‘ol Dodds, this was a horrible horrible man but he still fucking died.

The only other person in Dominick’s life that had died were his grandparents. Toward the end they didn’t even know who Dominick was, thought he was a boyfriend of one of his sisters. It hurt but it was a different pain than seeing a body be alive and then suddenly not. He had gone to Mass, his first time wearing a suit to Mass, all black, even his socks, and he couldn’t feel or focus. Since then that feeling had happened more frequently but Carisi kept telling Barba he had it under control whenever the older man was concerned.

Carisi was still rubbing at his skin, even though the washcloth probably didn’t even have any soap anymore, just trying to erase any of those thoughts from his head. He wishes the water was hotter. He wishes _so many things_ and Carisi doesn’t realize until it’s too late that he’s not breathing right, that his face doesn’t feel right, he knows what’s going on but he can’t really stop it. His body is outside of his own as he stumbles out of the bath, the water draining, and he tries to vomit but there’s nothing there, just dry heaves. He knows he’s getting the nice tile wet but he just wants the pain to _leave_ he doesn’t know how and god, why didn’t he ask Benson anything beyond just staring at her like some fucking fool who should have done better, he should have done better, done better done better done better done better done

Rafael is knocking at the bathroom door. First softly, but when no response comes, a bit harder, until he realizes the door is unlocked like a damn fool. He sees Carisi and grabs a towel almost instinctually. It’s the nice plush towels that _aren’t_ from the back-to-college section of Target and Carisi still isn’t breathing steadily but the feeling of Barba there helps. Rafael carries him out of the bathroom, all the while whispering to him, _estas bien estas bien estas bien-_

(For a while Rafael had no idea Carisi knew Spanish. It wasn’t until Carisi spoke it in an interrogation room, stumbling over soft vowels that he realized, a flush creeping up on his face as his brain decided to recount all the things he had said to the detective)

 

**

Dominick doesn’t want to think about it. He’s stopped hyperventilating and won’t admit that he was crying but he’s warm and dry. Barba is still there, holding him in his lap. Carisi doesn’t remember getting into his pajamas but he doesn’t mind.

“Hard day at work, cielo?”

Carisi just nods. Rafael thinks he should see someone, anyone, but knows this is a conversation they should be having much later.  For now he just holds Carisi’s hand, intertwining their fingers (Carisi loves it but won’t ever admit it) and listens to the detective’s breathing.

“I’m here. I’m right here.”

Carisi nods again. His eyes are distant, but his breathing is smooth, stable. He yawns. Rafael looks over at the clock - it’s approaching 12AM. Tomorrow is Saturday, thank fuck. Barba still has to go into the office to check up on some loose ends, but he doesn’t know if Carmen will also be in to reschedule some appointments for Monday. Rafael gets lost in his thoughts, all while Sonny drifts asleep in his arms. He doesn’t even notice until he feels him stir. Barba smiles, slowly tucking him into bed, and goes to put on his own pajamas. He falls asleep staring at his calendar on his phone somewhere around 2AM. They can talk when Carisi is ready to talk, as long as it takes, and Barba can make him banana chocolate chip pancakes and cafecito, his favorite.

**Author's Note:**

> i literally wrote this under a 30m timer i made siri set for me... please validate me


End file.
